so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
