stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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