My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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