My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't turn off my feet"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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