She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
this is an emotional support booty call
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
