I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
