I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
