I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
