have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
