I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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