I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
