when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
