After last night, I could never be a politician.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize