If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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