the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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