ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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