I just saw a hot homeless man
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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