I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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