My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize