i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
