I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
