...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
