i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
