I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize