In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
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