I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
