He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
