if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
