Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
