it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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