I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize