Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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