the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
