If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
