I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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