Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize