Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
