Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
