it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
