i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Can I color on your dick again?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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