you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
love makes seman taste better
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
