just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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