he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
