Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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