That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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