You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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