Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
