I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
