I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just invented taco cereal.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
