From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
