She went from zero to smokin in five shots
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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