So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
