Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
