Will you blow on my dice?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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