proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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