Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
