grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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