I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
