New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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