If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
