I wish my penis had an off switch
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
