Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
