You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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