Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
