this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
