shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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