Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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