Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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