Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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