if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I could make wine with my vomit
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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