I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Houston, we have a squirter
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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