Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
